Never had I imagined
by Sketchybadwriter
Summary: Peter Benton comes to terms with himself and his life after John Carter dies, and Peter must accept that Carter was closer to his heart then he liked to admit. This also deals heavily with Lucy and her recovery and the lives of others in the ER.
1. Everything you didn't want to feel

Note: I don't own any of the ER doctors on here, they are all owned by NBC. I also don't own the videos used nor do I own the songs used in them

Claimer: I do own however, Dr. Hunsaker

Note: This is an alternate take, what if John died. Peter's reactions. Also I have added songs and where they begin to play to help this seem more real and their links to listen to them

/watch?vHvzQ4xuzu7c

Joeburton77 does an amazing cover (this is all the trees of the field will clap their hands)

/watch?v4qbYUjoIBTU

This is a video about Carter and his mom. I just like the music used. For these two songs, you can open up another window and listen while you read to help with the experience.

"Never had I imagined, living without your smile."

(**Apollo's frock begins to play**)

Peter stood beside John in the operating room. Just 30 minutes ago, John had uttered his last words "I'm glad it's you." and the anesthesia took him away. Anspaugh stood there, a sullen look on his face. He'd said his name maybe 4 times, but Peter simply was not absorbing it. Anspaugh felt his stomach tighten as the words left his mouth

"Time of death, 2:31 AM- nurse will you please shut off that terrible annoying sound!" Anspaugh quickly ordered, in reference to the flatline that seemed to echo through the room. Peter didn't breath, didn't move, didn't think. It was like he was being guided by some unseen forces. Shutting off machines, removing tubing, suturing John's wounds and even cleaning his body, Anspaugh didn't help, but stood there making sure Peter was alright. Anspaugh took at a look at John's body and thought of his son Scott. Same brown hair and everything, and Donald felt, severely sad, understanding exactly what John's parents were about to find out. Donald closed his eyes and exhaled deeply, deeply, deeply and made the trek the Emergency Department. Peter stared down at Carter, just thinking of those words "I'm glad it's you.", "I'm glad it you." , "I'm glad it's you." , "I'm glad it's you." And Peter just stared down at John, removing John's hair cover and stroking his soft brown hair. The trachea tube in John's throat had been removed and his mouth was slightly open, his lips were dry, John needed something for lips…Peter caught himself. He'd always referred to him as Carter…so why was he suddenly 'John'? Peter took CARTERs' hand brought it to his cheek, it was still warm, you wouldn't even know the difference…wouldn't even know…

(**All the trees of the field begin playing**)

Donald stalled in the elevator, he felt his stomach turning. He exited turning toward the admit desk where several employees were huddled around.

"How's Lucy..?" He asked, just to break the ice

"Lucy just got out of surgery…she's fine…" Randi said

"How's Carter?" Kerry asked anxiously, Donald said nothing but merely stared

"John had severe stab wounds to his back, (he could already hear people breaking down) we tried to spot the bleeding, and at 2:31 this morning…John Carter was pronounced dead." Everyone looked shocked and sick. Randi immediately began gasping and sat down only to erupt in tears. Mark just stood there with his mouth open, staring into the air, Kerry, who surprised everyone, let tears flow freely from her eyes as she excused herself. Dave Malucci took off to the doctors lounge, leaning on Carters' locker, and let it out. Donald walked back toward surgery, knowing exactly where he could find Dr. Benton. But first he had to let Lucy, Elizabeth and Romano know. Luckily Elizabeth and Romano were rejoicing in the lounge.

"Ah Donald, how is our young doctor Carter?" Robert asked, sincerely

"Yes, how was Peter in showing off his operating skills? He wasn't too arrogant was he?" Elizabeth asked smiling playfully

"We pronounced Dr. Carter 30 minutes ago. He's dead." And with that Romano dropped his mug and Elizabeth's hand covered her mouth as she erupted in tears.

"Peter." A voice softly said

"Peter…." It said again. Peter was taken from his daze and glanced into the doorway

"Hey Cleo. How's Lucy?" He tried to casual

"She's fine. Peter…they can't wait any longer…they need to take John now…to the funeral home."

"It hasn't been that long….I just need few more minutes."

"Peter. It's been a few hours…it's time to go."

"Just a quick minute," he said, Cleo nodded and left. Peter gazed down at John one last time, and kissed him. On the forehead, on the cheek and on the lips, squeezed his hand and covered his face with a sheet, and watched as they took him away. It was unreal, he would never hear Carter's voice again, he would never hear Carter ask another question, he would never hear Carter snore again, he would never hear Carter's stupid giggle or laugh…and with that last thought, an unbearable pain swept through Benton that he'd only felt a few times in his entire life.

Peter opened his eyes and glanced at the clock, 4:01 PM

He'd slept somewhere around 11 hours. Peter had done that in about as many years. He didn't move immediately, just laid there, and his side hurt from not moving all night. I see, it was one of _those_ nights. Where you don't dream, you don't move, you just sleep heavily, and maybe that's what he needed.

"Peter," he heard Cleo's voice say softly

"Peter that Millicent Carter on the phone….she said that the funeral service for John is going to be held on Friday at 7:40. They're Protestant and it will be a religious ceremony." But Cleo only faded off. _John Carter was stabbed on Monday, February 14__th__, 2000 at 10:22 PM, after several hours of hard labor by the surgical staff, John was pronounced dead at 2:31, Tuesday morning February 15__th__, 2000. _What a hell of way for Carter to begin his day- DEAD. It's 4:10 in the evening, that meaning John would be starting his shift in an hour- who was covering for him?

"Do you know who is covering for Carter? In the ER?" Peter sat up quickly

"I think Kovac, and I am taking his shift tomorrow…Peter, is there anything you want?"

"I'm not hungry." He groaned rolling back over. Cleo felt a wrench in her chest and tears rolled down her eyes. She'd never seen Peter like this. She'd assumed it was bad when his mother died, but she wasn't there for it. "Cleo…" Peter said into his pillow and she appeared once more I the doorway

"Can you call in for me? I can't go to work today…" Cleo nodded at the request dialed the phone and headed out to pick up some groceries.

Cleo found herself trying to keep her eyes straight ahead. It was all over the papers and news. A multi-millionaire had just lost his only son violently, at work no less.

_Millionaires son, brutally murdered_

_Millionaires son, butchered in ER while doctors party_

_Millionaires' son, brutally stabbed, dies hours later_

Peter sat in front of TV watching the news intently, it was on EVERY station:

_Thanks Tom, _a correspondent said, _I'm standing in front of County General's ER where last night around 10:30 PM John Truman Carter the 3__rd __son of Multi-Millionaire John Carter and a medical student were brutally stabbed. This all happened in one of the exam rooms when a patient in need of psychiatric care attacked them. John Carter_

Janet, this is terrible can you tell me how long they were laying there?

_Around 15 minutes they believe, the two had nearly bled to death by the time someone found them, Tom._

Janet how is this POSSIBLE? It's an ER! Aren't they supposed to be on alert at all times? Isn't this a place where lives are saved?

_I don't know Tom. I believe that they were having a Valentines Day party when all of the occurred, the music was so loud, I don't believe that they would have hard any screams. _

Now Janet, we know a medical student was involved can you tell us anything about that?

_The Medical student is 25 year old Lucy Knight, a native to Chicago. She suffered severe stabs wounds to the neck and abdomen and even had to have her chest cracked. She is in critical condition here at County's Intensive Care unit._

And John Truman Carter the 3rd, the son of a very prominent family here in Chicago, he was involved as well?

_Yes Tom. He actually entered the room a few minutes after the medical student had been attacked, she was laying on the other side of the bed, so he didn't see her. He was attacked from behind and suffered massive stab wounds to his back. John was pronounced dead around 2:30 or 3:00 this morning._

Ah Janet! That's horrible! How old was he again?

_John Carter was 29 years old, he would have been 30 on June 4__th__, Tom. Our prayers are with his family._

Yes, yes. We're all hoping the Carter and Knight families are coping well.

Peter shut off the TV and lay down on the couch. They were laying there some 15 minutes, that was more horrendous then he could imagine…

Mark Greene stood looking into his bathroom mirror. Why was this happening? Why always at County? He wiped some of the steam from the mirror to get a clearer picture of himself, caught Elizabeth's figure, heavy and sleeping in the bed. Last night they'd held each other while they try to sleep, and mourned John. They were sad for Lucy, happy and all on her full recovery, but John was the one that Mark had watch grow into a man. And now he was gone forever. Mark put his hands on the counter and let his head fall back, he exhaled.


	2. The silence and the sound

Note: I don't own any of the ER doctors on here, they are all owned by NBC. I also don't own the videos used nor do I own the songs used in them

Claimer: I do own however, Dr. Hunsaker

Note: This is an alternate take, what if John died. Peter's reactions. Also I have added songs and where they begin to play to help this seem more real and their links to listen to them

Disclaimer: I not own the song "Safe and Sound" or it's lyrics, that is owned by Sheryl Crow and her record company

Note: Please go to and find the song "Safe and sound" and pay careful attention to the lyrics ending this chapter.

Chapter 2

_**Silent Noise**_

Lucy was feeling…less then human…and more of a test model for physical excruciating pain and pain medication. To her own humiliation and distress she had to be dressed, by hands other then her own. Her mother offered but she just wasn't interested in her mother seeing her naked, maybe it was her mother seeing her wounds that means Lucy would have to see them, that meant that they were real. Christ, Lucy was hooked up to a catheter sitting up a wheel chair with bandages down and around her chest and on her neck. She wore a black dress and her nurse had to put her shoes on her. Lucy looked in the mirror and felt a lot of self pity. She was pinking up, but still pale, her eyes had deep circles around them, her hair was stringy and greasy from not washing it, her hands and arms were sutured from trying and failing, to block a carving knife from a patient that was crazed. Lucy thought about putting on make up and nearly broke down. Who was she kidding? And why would she even try to look pretty? Funerals aren't for fashion, but for mourning. Lucy grabbed the pair of black sun glasses and slipped them over her eyes.

"Lucy I'm going to put your hair up and use this beret, it'll be more flattering." Her mother said putting her hair up gently. But Lucy said nothing. Mark said and of course she deduced that her vocal chords would forever be damaged. She'd be able to speak again, but not in the same Lucy voice…her voice. It would probably be deeper and more gravelly, hey sometimes gravelly is sexy. Lucy had arrive via ambulance, which embarrassed her, but incase something tore or WHATEVER, she had to, this wasn't…how Lucy foresaw her weekend turning out…just 6 days ago she'd thought of all of the school work she'd be doing. And now she sat in a wheelchair, helpless, and envying the person she was about to visit once and for all.

_**Greener on the other side**_

Mark looked in the mirror and furrowed his eyebrows. His tie wasn't right, his suit wasn't right-NOTHING felt fucking right.

"Mark do you need help with that?" Elizabeth asked sipping her coffee

"No I'm not 10 FUCKING years old!" He snapped, Elizabeth's eyes widened, it was the first time she'd heard him ever say a curse word, especially the FUCK word.

"I'm sorry." He exhaled putting his hands on his hips, looking down with his eyes closed

"I was just talking to Carter on Monday about the Friday schedules, and here we are at Friday, and he's being buried." Mark choked, Elizabeth felt the tears

"I know Mark. It was so sudden…He was there one minutes and, and..." then they were getting paged because two of their friends were stabbed. They embraced but the embrace seemed to communicate something cosmic between them, like somehow their emotions were exchanged and understood through the embrace. Mark stepped back

"I'm going to go and warm up the car, we're picking up Peter and Cleo."

"What? Why?" Elizabeth asked

"With the snow and all Cleo's is dead." Mark said grabbing the keys. That's right, it had snowed 2 feet last night, it was like Heaven had scent some crazy fierce sign that what had happened was NOT RIGHT. But they didn't need white snow to make her feel cold, the feeling had come over Elizabeth when she got the bad news of their incident, and the worse news of John's death.

_**Anything but right here, right now**_

Cleo looked at the window, at the snow, at the white snow that seemed to radiate some sort of magic. Cleo had always thought magic was for night, but something immense and unreal seemed to be pulsing through everyone's veins. Maybe it was that she'd never known anyone who died, maybe it was the way he died, maybe it was that it could have been her or Peter or something.

"You look luscious you know, the way that the snow illuminates your skin." Peter said fixing his cuff

"I'm not out in the now." She smiled

"You were two minutes. I saw you through the window." Cleo smiled and put her arms around Peter, looking into his deep black eyes and then, something skipped across them, something bigger then her, Peter and the entire fucking ER. Saddened was laden and saturated within sadness. Cleo felt her heart sank. She'd seen Peter angry, she'd seen Peter hurt, but she'd never seen Peter _depressed_. Is this how it is to be missed? It's too bad that no one ever really knows what it is like to be missed, since they're gone. But for those alive that sense it from others or experience it for themselves, it's profound, it's consuming and most of all- it's painful.

_**At first sight**_

John Truman Carter Sr., stood, then sat, then stood again. This went on for a little while. He'd either be staring down at his dead son or looking at him. John was cold, pale and the exact opposite of what he had remembered of him. Sadly, it had been over a year since seeing John and the fact that he didn't remember the last time he saw them…was heart wrenching. He held his babies hand, and he held it oh so tight. John was stiff and although his hands were placed in the center of his abdomen, John Carter Sr. held on for dear life, something that had been inhumanly taken away from his baby. Eleanor had since said her goodbyes and was waiting in the other room, eyes wide and in a daze, and by all means, had taken too much of whatever she was on- he had taken some too by the way. John hugged his son and kissed his cheek and walked out backwards, he didn't want to miss anything. Eleanor took him by the arm and for the first time in a long time, they walked together, actually needing each other for support- seriously they felt like their knees were about to buckle.

"I don't know how to do this." She began to sob as they proceeded to the pews

"Our son was murdered for CHRISTS SAKE, no one does Eleanor." He replied in a daze, Eleanor began to sob

"I'm…sorry." She choked

"To hell with it, our son is dead. We'll act however we want to." He stated Eleanor smiled a bit; John hadn't made her smile in years. They straightened themselves out and faced sat down.

_**What to do when something comes without an instruction manual **_

Peter, Cleo, Mark and Elizabeth all entered, they'd arrived first and the coffin was just being brought out.

"I need to sit up front." Peter said matter-of-factly, no one spoke, just nodded. They sat in silence, they thought in silence and they all hurt in silence. Peter carefully examined the coffin. It was dark mahogany, with blue silk on top and the casket was open, it had dark and white roses covering it, and Carter would have hated it. I mean hated it immensely. The most traumatizing part was the picture they had of Carter. It must have been taken a year or two ago. He had a stern face, and it was a profile shot, he looked overconfident and malicious. That wasn't Carter, why wasn't there one of his goofy smile? And what of Carter's awkward stance? Peter looked to his side, embarrassed, not realizing that he had just said everything outside. Millicent Carter sat at the other pew and simply nodded, in grievance and concurrence. The room was beginning to swell, and Peter heard violins and cellos….he knows he did, he looked to his left and saw a string quartet warming up. A minister came up and uttered some words. Not only was Peter sure that the minister didn't know Carter-BUT- that Carter also never attended church. After the eulogy John Carter Sr. took the stand and cleared his throat first.

"I could sit here. And feed you a lot of bullshit on how "everything happens for a reason", but I don't believe in that anymore. When we lost our first son Bobby, we thought, "How? Why?" and now that John is dead this whole new perspective casts his shadow or light over you. Everything happens for a reason," he scoffed angered "WHAT REASON IS THERE FOR TAKING MY YOUNG SON? John was a doctor who gave back to the community, to only be senselessly murdered! My son was loved, my son was liked, my son cared about his patients, my son loved his friends, and my son loved life, my son…." He began to trail off, succumbing to his own tears "my son is dead….and I'd give anything to have it otherwise." He cried for a moment, so was everyone else. "In honor of my son, Dr. John Carter, we're going to be playing some of his favorite songs, via string quartet while everyone says goodbye." The music began and Peter recognized it immediately, Carter had played it a few times in the last few years. Peter tensed up and grabbed Cleo's side

"Peter, are you alright?"

"I don't think I can go up there, Cleo…" He began, "If I go up there and see Carter…then that means it's real…that's he's cold and laying in a casket…that isn't….isn't…that's not how I remember him."

Lucy had an itch. She sat close up the front, and could see John's brown hair, and for a moment, she was infuriated. Infuriated at what happened, infuriated that John was dead in a casket 7 feet away, FUCKING GOING INSANE at her itch. It was the stitches on her neck; they were unbearable, but nice because it kept her mind off of dead Carter. That was something that would take YEARS to get through. Lucy felt her wheelchair begin to take movement and they were going forward. Two men helped her up the steps and she faced her old mentor….

Mark stood waiting, watching as Lucy slipped something into the casket with Carter. Mark fumbled his hands, watching as two men helped Lucy down, her hands on her lap as her mother pushed her off toward the exit, and Lucy wore thick, black sunglasses. Mark approached the casket and stared down.

"Hi Carter…I brought you this. It's your stethoscope."

(Safe and sound by Sheryl Crow begins playing)

"I…I was going to give it to your family, but I remembered you commenting that they didn't care for or pay attention to your choosing medicine. I was sorry to hear about that, you were such a great doctor. I think that you should have your Stethoscope, you need it…I guess. I'm keeping your ID badge, it's the only picture we have of you…" Mark chocked, I'll miss you Carter…." Mark placed the Stethoscope near Carter's shoulder, placed his hand on his, and walked away.

(Now 2:27 second at Safe and Sound)

_Until you're safe and sound….until you're safe and sound…_

Peter felt weak and sad and drained, as they made their way to the exit, Cleo had her arm around him as Peter suddenly felt himself stop. They were at the exit and people were nearly gone. He looked over his shoulder glancing at Carter's form in the distance. Peter squeezed Cleo's hand and not taking his eyes off of Carter moved toward him, he had a friend to say goodbye too.

_Feel like I could've held on, Feel like I could've let go, Feel like I could've helped you  
Feel like I could've changed you, Feel like I could've held you, Feel like I could've hurt you, Feel like I was a stranger, Feel like I was an angel ,Feel like I was a hero ,Feel like I was a zero, Feel like I could have changed you, Feel like I could have healed you, Feel like I could have saved you, Feel like I should've heard you, Feel like I could have moved you, Feel like I could have changed you, Feel like I could have healed you, Feel like I should've told you, Feel like I could have loved you ,Feel like I could have loved you, Feel like I could have loved you, Feel like I really loved you, Feel like I really loved you, Feel like I really loved you, Feel like I really loved you, Feel like I really loved you ,Feel like I really loved you ,Feel like I could've saved you ,Feel like I could've saved you ,Feel like I could've saved you._


	3. The secret life of sexual incidents

Disclaimer: I don't own Pat Benatar or her song "You better run".

I don't own any of the ER characters.

NOTE: Graphic sex scene details

_**The troubled drums **_

Dave inhaled sharply as his eyes pinched a bit. He smelled coffee…someone during Christmas got him an automatic coffee maker and he wished he knew whom because someone would have received a big hug. Dave was on his side, which was always odd. He couldn't fall asleep on his side and yet, he always woke up on his side. Dave wiped his mouth and for some reason, Carter popped into his head. Actually that wasn't weird at all, he did just **die**. Dave thought of their argument 13 days earlier. Dave was out walking with his son Charlie, who had had a bad day and literally, on the street- threw the fit of the century in front of everything. Charlie was 5 and prone to being a total fucking bastard. Amidst the high screeching sounds Dave heard a familiar voice,

"Everything ok Dave?" Dave smiled condescendingly and rolled his eyes, IT WAS CARTER! He sang to himself and turned.

"This isn't the ER Carter; you don't need to check up on me,"

"You don't look like you're handling the situation well." Carter said, taking a sip of his coffee

"You fucking moron." Dave felt his inside heat and a swelling that came from underneath his diaphragm "When it comes to kids, you don't handle a situation; you merely learn to cope and deal with it. You are at your 5 year olds mercy." He stated tightening his scarf; Carter didn't take his eyes off of Dave. He cocked his head and took another sip. Dave used to box, Carter was a wrestler, if he hit Carter it would be a fair fight…..Dave contemplated.

"Well, it's not how I would deal with it." Carter began and went off on a rampage on how Dave was inadequate and the only thing Dave had a childish mind set. Dave Malucci- went off like an atom bomb.

"OH YEAH. Well I got a family Carter and that's more then you EVER have HAD." Dave stamped his foot. Carter stood wide eyes and people on the street were a little shocked to.

"I'm done you know." Charlie said wiping his nose

"What?" Dave asked

"I'm finished with my fit." He said matter-of-factly

"You hear that EVERYONE. He's finished with his fit. He's 5 years old and morally conscious of himself having tantrums!!" Dave grabbed Charlie's hand and left, Carter stood looking hurt. But Dave didn't give a fuck. They weren't at work. And Dave swore that as he walked away he could hear Pat Benatars' "You better run" as he confidently walked away (not really but it was certainly playing in his head).

Dave felt weird that just 2 weeks ago he was ready to beat the shit out of Carter…how he wished someone would take care of Carter once and for all…and now Carter was dead. Dave threw the covers off of his body and got off of the bed and followed the aroma of coffee, resembling something of a zombie.

**FIRE**, _on my command_

Lucy couldn't do this. Her shift was in a few hours, but this was worse. She's been standing there for 15 minutes. Her eyes pinched shut and she could feel goose bumps covering her body. She had taken off her clothes about 4 minutes ago. She wanted to know what she looked like now. With all of the scars, with all of the damage, with everything that hadn't come with the original packaging that now graced her body like some terrible painting that was suppose symbolize something. Lucy hadn't seen herself naked for some time now. It had been weeks, in fact, when she showered, she closed her eyes. She tried to get in and out as fast as possible; in fact she hated the way that her scars felt underneath her fingertips, hated the bumps that long line that ran down her chest. Before the incident, many boys had commented on how great Lucy's tits were, but she knew now that if were to reveal her self in an intimate situation because they'd be staring at that RED scar running in between them. Lucy remembered suddenly, the touch of flesh, the smell of cologne. Carter's cologne, it varied and she predicted that it was real cologne and aftershave made from fine ingredients, because she'd heard rumors and came to find that Carter was wealthy. She hated admitting it now but Carter had fucked her. That was ok, she'd fucked him right back…kind of. It didn't start out that way. Lucy really wanted it to work out between them, Lucy foresaw a relationship, hand holding and flirting in the ER. She had to admit that she was little hurt when found out from several people that Carter went through women like clock work.

"Nothing more then a few months, then they usually break up with him. Carter is nice, but when he's not, he's a real bastard. I mean a true cunt and that's enough to just throw away everything you worked for with the man." Chuny once remarked, apparently over the summer in '93 when Carter was still in med school he was going with someone who ended up befriending Chuny. Chuny admitted she had been interested in Carter, but upon hearing the stories her friend told, she realized it wasn't worth it.

Of course everyone knew about the infamous kiss between Carter and Lucy that spread through the ER gossip like wild fire. The first time they had sex, Lucy really felt like it was the beginning of something amazing. It happened about 13 hours after they first kissed. It was around 3 in the morning and Carter pulled her into one of the empty exam room and kissed her passionately. It was good; Carter also quickly pulled down her scrubs and for lack of a better word "worked" it in. Carter wasn't enormous, but he was fair sized and the sex was ok, but not amazing. Lucy's vagina was dry from not being aroused and when she went to put her hand on her clit to help arouse herself, to her surprise, Carter smacked it away and pinned it against the wall with her own hand. It was his way of saying "I can get you there." Some men don't like the idea of a women masturbating for orgasm while having sex with them. It lasted about 8 minutes and Lucy didn't come. But Carter sure did. He pulled her hair really hard and let out a loud deep "Ughhhhrrreeeeuh…" and the best part? HE LEFT! His pants were around his ass; he pulled them up and left. As for Lucy, her shift had ended hours before so she went home, showered and thought about it. Although looking back, it was pretty bad, at the time Lucy had felt like it was an emotional and loving _experience_ for them both.

The second time was on the roof and they nearly got caught. Carter led her up the roof, pulled her scrubs down and FUCKED her from behind. Carter all but rode her, actually he did ride her. At first they started out with Lucy faced against the wall, then Carter pulled out, put his coat down for her hands and knees, had Lucy get down on all fours and literally rode her. It was…odd and fun. He had his right hand in the air and was smacking her ass, "Whoo hooo" and let out a "Yee haw!!" When he had cum, it turned out that Carter had spent most of the day drinking and wasn't even on that day. Just as Lucy was fixing her hair Abby Lockhart walked around the corner and asked "Is everything ok?" they both replied with a "fine" and Abby nodded and left. She'd been listening. To Lucy's horror she'd heard the roof door open about 5 minutes before Carter came and he was being LOUD. Wait, wait, wait…..how many times _did_ they have sex? Lucy thought and realized that it had been around 23 times. Because a few times they had sex more then once in a visit, the one time she did cum with him was at his house. That was when she realized that Carter was wealthy. He sat her down on a bed and said

"This is my parents' room you know."

"Is it really? Should we go to your room?" She smiled but Carter just shook his head

"Nope, I've always had a fantasy to fuck on my parents' bed."

"And you never have? Am I first?" Lucy teased

"No, you are one of many Ms. Knight." He stated going through his bag

"But you said that is was always your fantasy…"

"It has been for a while. I just like to revisit it." He told pulling out a pair of red handcuffs, the plastic kind. It made Lucy sad that Carter was just using her, but she came to a realization, then she was going to use him. There was no way in HELL he was handcuffing her to anything, she quickly yanked the handcuffs away from Carter and instructed him to dance.

"But there's no music." He stated

"Very nice observation, genius. Mr. Carter I want you to sing and dance for me, and remove your clothes." She said cruelly, she was enjoying herself now

"But you're still dressed." He smiled

"Do as I say, not as I do." Carter began singing some song and taking it off. Lucy handcuffed him to the bed and rode him right back. This was about her, not him. The last few fucks Carter would cum inside or on her and would then be on his merry way. It took Lucy about 30 minutes of real focusing but eventually she had an amazing climax. Nearly immediately after that she jumped off of him and got dressed, Carter was still breathing heavily and had an erection.

"What about me?" he asked glancing down at his penis

"What about you?" Lucy scoffed putting her bra on quickly

"Well," Carter sneered "Are you going to leave me like this?"

"No, I'm sure a maid will find you." Her pants now on

"LUCY!." He was very angry

"In a moment, patience is a virtue John. But don't test mine." Once she put her socks and shoes on Carter undid the handcuffs and left. She saw John sitting on the edge of the bed glaring at her. They did have several other sex sessions…but Lucy would get to that later.

Eyes still closed Lucy searched for her clothes and dressed, she just wasn't ready to see her _new_ body…well her body's new editions.

**What you trying to do my head?**

"So today is Lucy's first day back." Haleh said

"It's gonna be so hard for her…" Chuny stated

"Why's that?" Benton asked picking up a chart

"Well…she lost Carter and all."

"We all lost Carter." Haleh proposed, Peter did nothing, he only felt and that was enough for him

"Was something going on between them?" Haleh asked

"Peter have you seen my ID badge?" Dave asked looking around the desk

"Some psych patient inserted it into their anus about 15 minutes ago." Peter stated indifferently staring down at his chart, a few snickers went toward Malucci's way.

"Well thank you for not telling me." Dave clapped his hands

"I didn't think you'd ever want it back." Peter looked up

"Chuny, what did you mean Lucy lost Carter?" Haleh asked

"Well, you know, they were together sex wise." Chuny shrugged

"Really?" Haleh's eyes widened

"Yeah, she told me, and Dave knew too." Chuny told, everyone's eyes went to Dave

"WOW DAVE! And you didn't tell anyone." Randi smacked her gum

"Uh, I may be a bit nosy at times but I'm not a fucking bastard."

"HEY WATCH YOUR LANGUAGE AT WORK." Weaver snapped

"How'd you find out?" Chuny asked

"Jesus, get off of it already, get your own lives." Dave spat as he walked away

"He caught them. Just like I did, I caught them on the roof, I don't know where Dave caught them but I caught them on the roof and few times I watched them make 3 am breaks for the stocking closets on floor 5." Abby affirmed walking up the desk

"REALLY?" A few people turned

"Yeah." Abby smiled

"How do you have these details?" Chuny asked

"Carter told me." Abby raised her eyebrows and left

"HEY! Everyone get off Carter and Lucy ex sex life. HAVE SOME RESPECT." Benton roared, grabbed his charts and left.


	4. 3 AM visits

DON'T DREAM IT'S OVER

DON'T DREAM IT'S OVER

Lucy was settling into the couch, a bag of cool ranch chips and some soda, she was watching music videos and feeling off at 3:33 in the morning. She had taken an extra week off of work. She officially hadn't been in for nearly two months. She used the time to catch up on school work. In fact, she'd just finished a few charts, 3 hours actually. Lucy was allowing herself a break for a little while. She'd gotten into some weird sleep pattern during her recovery. Staying up until 7 AM and going to bed around 8:00, waking up at 5:00 in the evening and then repeating the cycle. But it would be good, because at 7:55 she had her first shift in 2 months. It was April, it was Spring, everything was new, and yet she felt old and used, like some recycled being, put back together from scraps and crap.

"They hired someone else you know…" She said out loud, to no one. Actually her roommate Melanie, who she never was friends with really, she and Melanie were more of annoyances to her and likewise. Melanie though had lent an ear to Lucy here and there, but not a shoulder, that would just be too weird and much. They weren't there in their friendship and may never be.

"I imagined they would have had to eventually. 2 months, that's pretty good, at least they didn't jump the boat hiring someone immediately."

"Anspaugh is more considerate then that." Lucy added

"Who?" Mel asked from the kitchen, which wasn't far away at all. In fact, aside from the bedrooms and bathrooms, the kitchen and living room was one big room.

"Lucy, I'm ordering a pizza, what do you eat?"

"That's considerate of you."

"It's 3 am and we're watching VH1, we might as well. Pizza is actually the best breakfast you can have, if you must eat pizza." Mel spoke "If you must eat pizza that is. If you eat it in the morning then you burn it off throughout the day and by the time you go to bed, the shit is gone from your system." She added

"Cheese. No meat." Lucy told

"Good, me either."

Lucy took a swig of soda to chase her mouthful of pizza. She would have had a beer, but couldn't with her medication. "So anyway Carter and I this one time, when you had left screwed really quick on the couch, he came in like 5 minutes, you had just missed him." Lucy laughed

"What?!"

"Yeah, you had just left to take out the garbage and have your smoke. Anyway, Carter had just finished and we heard you jiggling the door handle, SO WE BOLTED to the bathroom and took a shower. I got close to cumming, but he came too soon."

"I knew you were showing, but I didn't know that he was in there with you."

"You didn't even know he was here."

"Well, I saw him, I just assumed that he was dropping something off."

"Nope, he came by for a fuck session. By the time we finished, I'd heard you go in your room."

"You heard that?"

"Yeah well the way you fucking slam door." Lucy smiled

"I know!" Mel laughed

"Anyway, that was Carter. Finishing up and then leaving."

"Didn't he have a girlfriend? Roxanne?' Mel inquired, Lucy looked at her, wide eyed and amazed

"How did you know that? How did you know her name?"

"Lucy, you talked about it all of the time."

"Oh yeah, I forgot. Roxanne, Roxanne. I suppose that he cared for her. But not in the way she'd wanted. Carter broke up with her. We'd already screwed a few times and Carter was in this weird place regarding us. He knew he liked the sex, but didn't want a relationship, and sure as hell didn't want Dale Edson screwing me. Which he was too late, we'd been together several times; at least with Dale I CLIMAXED. Don't get me wrong, sex with Carter was all right, but not amazing. Which is funny, because I'd talked to Roxanne and a few of the girls he'd been with and they all GUSHED about Carter in bed."

"Sounds to me, that for Carter, when it came to you, he got wanted he wanted and got out of there." Mel said looking at the TV

"Oh TOTALLY." Lucy affirming pointed at Mel

"You really liked him didn't you Lucy."

"Yeah…"Lucy nodded dazing off into her thoughts

"That's so weird that he's gone." Mel added, her right hand open as her head rested against it.

"It's funny. I've always enjoyed sex. I first had sex when I was 15, and you know what…it was good. Well, I was almost 15, but it didn't happen again."

"Why not?"

"My parents. My dad was 19 when I was born…my mother was 22. He left because he thought it would be better. But I thought, 'I don't want to be like them', in that aspect. Yes my mother was an accomplished woman, but I didn't want something to end the way it did with them."

"When was the last time you heard from him?"

"My dad? About 2 weeks after I'd gotten attacked. He saw me on the news. He wanted to meet me. I asked my mom what I should do, she was told he that I should "do what you want" and she sounded so profoundly angry…"

"What did you do?"

"I want to see him. I want to look at him, I want to touch his face and see who he is, my mom only has a few pictures of him."

"Speaking of your mother, no offense, but I am so happy she isn't spending every minute her. I thought it was great that she took time off of work to help you out, but she was quite cruel to me, it was understandable, but out of hand at times."

"REALLY?" Lucy asked amazed

"Uh yeah," Mel told, angrily "Right before you came home, she was cleaning and yelling at me, accusing me of being a slob and unemotional. Truth was, I didn't know how to respond, but yeah, the house was a mess, but I hadn't been home in a while, well long enough to do any deep cleaning. The whole thing was a huge blow to my mind."

"What happened?" Lucy asked

"I walked into the house at 4 am. We'd been hit in surgery with a huge mass causality, and I'd been doing the chart work for it, for about 5 hours, and then going back and forth between patients. Anyway, it's 4 am and I open the door to be met with your mothers screaming at me. She turned, looked at me, with the intense look of _MADNESS_. She yelled "LOOK AT THIS HOUSE. It's such a mess. My daughter is stabbed and nearly slaughtered you don't even have the decency to CLEAN the house. What is the matter with you!?" I didn't even know you'd been stabbed. I mean, yeah I'd heard a rumor about some doctor getting stabbed in an incident, but I didn't know a med student was involved, let alone you. I mean, we'd already gone some 3 weeks without seeing each other."

"Yeah." Lucy responded sympathetically. It was nice for once to be the one sympathetic "I can't believe she responded that way."

"I can. She was in shock, she was freaking out, and you still weren't out of the woods yet."

"Crazy times." Lucy thought, but said allowed

"So when do you get off of your meds?" Mel asked

"Soon, I only have a week left on them."

"Ah yes, and now you can resume your drinking Ms. Knight?"

Exactly, Lucy thought. She'd never been a binge drinker, but Lucy liked her alcohol. "I hope that I don't use drinking as a crutch." Lucy exhaled

"Me too." Mel replied, as she and Lucy watched the TV screen as "Road to nowhere" by Talking Heads began

"When does Lucy come back to work?" Cleo asked over her shoulder to Kerry who was putting away a chart

"Lucy requested a different shift." Kerry told wiping her head

"What? She doesn't want to see us? Malick asked, suddenly the entire admit area had become quiet

"I thought she was supposed to come back 2 weeks ago." Lydia asked

"Listen everyone, Lucy just wants some space, and can anyone really blame her? The way that things spread around here, she just wants some privacy. She doesn't want 10,000 sympathy pats. She embarrassed, she's sad, she's healing. Many of you may see her around, but she's trying to deal, just like we all are." Mark Greene, the hero told

"I want it understood that if I hear one bit of social gossip about Lucy or the situation I swear I will suspend someone." Kerry told, and everyone heard her

Malucci was entering the doors when Kerry had just finished talking.

"Malucci!" She barked, Dave looked in the direction "We were all just discussing Lucy returning to work. No rumors, no gossip, no nosy questions." She instructed, but Malucci just stood there

"Chief…in the last 2 months have I done ANY of that?" He asked and then headed to the lounge. Kerry felt a little stunned. He was right, since Valentines Day Dave had been the ideal medical doctor. On time, courteous and not one mouth off, not one snide remark, not one argument- well, a few. Dave did his charts, treated patients. Dave had proved that he was probably one of the most capable doctors Kerry had seen. Dave Malucci had become a prime example in what Kerry had looked for in a medical doctor and staff member. Malucci had but two incidents in the last month, they both involved Jing-Mei. Jing-Mei had always criticized Dave in every aspect of his life, but so had Kerry. Kerry on the other hand took note to Dave's personality change, Jing-Mei did not. At first Kerry and Mark assumed that it was depression, and would wear off. Until about two weeks before they had called Dave into a meeting, expressing their worry of his mental state.

"Wow, I improve socially and you're worried…this is reverse." Dave remarked, but they deserved it

"Dave…we're just worried, we've checked on everyone in the ER." Mark reassured

"Yeah, but you haven't called them into meetings." Dave said, calmly and matter-of-factly

"You are right Malucci. But you most admit you're acting a bit out of character." Kerry began "Your performance is outstanding, patient bedside manner incredible, Dave we're all proud of you, we're all happy with your turn around, and we just want to ensure it's not for the wrong reasons." Kerry told. They were all quiet for a time, just as Mark was about to speak, Dave began.

"You know, when I got the news that Carter and Lucy was stabbed, I laughed. I literally laughed, I thought it was a joke, some screwed joke. But then everyone began panicking and I jumped into action. I saw them, helpless bleeding, and I really didn't like that. Not just for the humanistic reason, because here were Carter and Lucy, two people who had been very critical of me, as a doctor and as a human. More Carter than Lucy, but still, it didn't matter they were stabbed. I've been stabbed before, I knew the pain and the horror, I just didn't think that kind of thing happened at work. I went over Carter getting stabbed in the back a thousand times in my head the first few hours they worked on him and Lucy. I thought about the knife, I thought about Lucy trying to defend herself. I was angry, so angry at them for not defending themselves. Carter was such a hard ass toward me, acting so superior, and he was bleeding to death. Six feet two inches tall, stabbed by a man not even hitting 5'5 and the almighty Carter had been taken down. Lucy I understood, I mean she'd taken it right in the neck so it would be immediate that she falter. They were so helpless, and that helplessness dragged a lot of us in with it, I didn't like that feeling…I still don't. I certainly don't run from it anymore, I accept, but I keep my eyes open. When I found out that Carter was dead, I felt things that I hope no one feels to often. I went and cried on his locker, to people's amazement. I got into my car and "Under the bridge" by Red Hot Chili Peppers started playing, I turned it off. When I got home, I paid the sitter and immediately watched my son sleep, for forever it seemed, I watched his chest move up and down, something Carter's had ceased to two some hour before. I took a shower, stupidly I thought I could wash the entire evening and emotions from my soul, my pathetic being. I caught my reflection and everything that had transpired between Carter and myself. All of the words we exchanged, all nasty. And I thought how easily it could be me lying in that morgue…I didn't want that, and something in me changed." Dave explained, Mark and Kerry sat stunned and understanding, taking it in and digesting it. Dave Malucci was human and after all, and it took a horrible tragedy to show that.

Randi didn't know if what she was looking at was real or imagined. She felt a lump in her throat, Jerry was frozen as well. Paul Sobriki was sitting in chairs, quietly, one leg over the other, and looking normal. But that wasn't what got them,

"Randi, do you hear the song that's playing?" Jerry asked frozen

"Yeah…" she said slowly, smacking her gum a bit

Psycho Killer by The Talking Heads was playing, loud enough for the admit people to hear

"Do you think its divine warning?" Jerry asked and when Randi didn't respond Jerry nudged her

"Perhaps it's Carter's ghost messing with us?" Randi asked

"I hope so, messing with I can handle, but a warning, that's too much." Jerry breathed

"You're 6'7, he's 5'5, and you can defend yourself, and all of us."

"Not if he has a machete." Jerry quipped, and with that in unison Randi and Jerry stepped back from the counter. But it was too late; Crazy had seen them and was walking toward the counter.

"What do we do?" Jerry squealed

"Um…Hi, I'm Paul Sobriki and I was looking for Dr.'s Weaver or Greene…is Lucy Knight working?" He asked and then something terrible happened, the song was turned up by someone who didn't see was at the front desk

"Psycho killer, _Qu'est-ce que c'est ?_, run run run, run away!" the lead singer of Talking heads sang, Paul looked angry and confused. He opened his jacket and Jerry felt faint as six feet seven inches and 300 pounds met the floor.

"SECURITY!!" Randi screamed at the top of her lungs her hands flailing up. This wasn't Randi's normal behavior, normally she would have punched him, but not now…not after Carter.

Kerry and Mark rushed down the ER, they couldn't believe that Paul Sobriki had shown up. What was he doing there? What about the restraining order? What if Lucy saw him? They had detained him in a room, Kerry and Mark stood outside the door, looked at eachother and entered.


	5. Dr Darenson and the night shift

Disclaimer: I do not own the Talking heads song used in the previous chapter and this chapter

Disclaimer: I do not own the Talking heads song used in the previous chapter and this chapter. I'm pretty sure the lead singer does. I do not own, I do not own Care Bears.

Claimer: Dr. Darenson is mine

Your soothing hands run down my back

Lucy's routine had become concrete. She closed her eyes and stepped into the shower and quickly began washing herself. Arms, legs, vagina, between the toes, face and then as usual-paused. She always hesitated washing her neck and chest, she could feel the scars. She got it over with as usual and finished. Getting dressed with her eyes closed and left the house, and as she did, she felt her heart pound. It was 7:00 and her shift was beginning soon. Her heart pounding, the nerves, the worry, Lucy sat down on the steps as she felt her stomach turn and everything white washing, but then a sudden burst of power came unto her and then she found herself standing, and descending the steps. She didn't smile, she didn't rejoice, she just tried to make it one step at a time. Her left hand lightly hovering over the rail, just in case; out the door and into the street, she wore a light jacket and thin turtleneck, Lucy put her headphones on and boarded the L train. Evening was falling but it felt good outside, clear and perfect 65 degrees. A beautiful day to go back to work, and then Lucy remembered, her lab coat had been destroyed, her name tag covered in blood and gory substances, her stethoscope damaged when the knife came for neck, it the stethoscope and her. They wouldn't dare offer the same ID badge, would they? Lucy exited the L and walked down the street, feeling aggressive, feeling angry, and feeling ready.

Mark and Kerry stood inside the room; they stood for at least a minute quietly, before taking a seat. They were familiar faces to Paul, who sat quietly. They'd testified against him, trying to ensure that Paul stayed in the institution for a while.

"What are you doing here Paul? Mark asked, angrily as he and Kerry sat

"I just wanted to see you two or even Ms. Knight. I wanted to apologize for what I did. I visited Mr. and Mrs. Carter the other day. They accepted by apology. I feel horrible for killing the only son that they had left." Paul told, sounding genuine

"Paul, we have a restraining order against you. What if Lucy saw you? She could go into some sort of Post Traumatic shock. Paul you need to leave." Kerry asserted, Paul nodded

"I'm aware of this, but I am sorry. I just passed my board exams you know. I'm a certified lawyer now."

"Good for you, then you're aware of the repercussions, you must have known that coming here tonight is illegal that your certification could be taken away with one phone call." Kerry spat, Mark sat quietly

"Would you really do that?" He asked, Mark and Kerry considered his question "Do I out of control to you? Do I seem manic and paranoid?"

"No," Mark said "Not this time. What if you get depressed and go off your meds and come here again? I'll drop you myself." Mark continued, Kerry was shocked by what Mark said, that completely out of character for Mark

"I understand. Is there anyway I can see Ms. Knight?"

"We'll see." Mark said getting up "We'll have to run it by her. Until them you are not to show up here unannounced again. You will call me or Kerry and get permission. If you show up with out us knowing claiming you couldn't reach us, we will have you arrested and disbarred, if you try to contact Lucy Knight we will have you arrested and disbarred. Understood?" Mark said

"YES." Paul exhaled and with that Mark was gone.

To her own surprise Lucy managed to get through the door and into the lounge without being noticed. She stood near the door and looked around the room, everything looked the same. Then her eyes found their way to Carter's old locker. His name tag had been taken off and tape was applied over it, reading _Eric S.D. Darenson_. Who was that? Lucy wondered as she stepped to her locker opening it up. Everything untouched since that day; it had all gathered some dust and Lucy would have to clean it out for some of the things in there had transpired. In fact, the second she opened her locker she was met with a sour smell. Her lunch for that day had expired, along with an apple and some water. She cleaned out her locker quickly, threw away her old things, some face wash, deodorant and such and opened the bag she carried with her. Cold cream face scrub, a toothbrush and paste, a comb, deodorant, moisturizer and a pack of travel body wash, lotion, shampoo and conditioner, the things she'd always kept for herself, for those long hours. She even kept a body spray with a pleasant uplifting lily of the valley scent. Hell after working a 30 hour shift it really did help. She didn't have a lab coat, she didn't have an ID, and she didn't have a stethoscope, Lucy didn't feel…like a medical student, let alone a doctor at all.

She must have sat there a good 15 minutes at the table in the lounge before finally getting up. When Lucy stood, she made a grimace, clenched her fists and looked at the door.

"Lucy!" She heard, and was startled, it was Chuny, she just entered, Chuny smiled and walked toward Lucy with open arms, and Lucy fell into them willingly, this felt better then she'd thought. "How are you?" Chuny smiled

"I'm ok. I need a lab coat and ID and Steth and then I'm pretty sure then I'll settle in." Lucy told, Chuny smiled and rubbed Lucy's arms

"Dr. Weaver is looking for you," Chuny smiled, they left the lounge and walked into the hallway.

"Lucy." She heard again, it was Kerry Weaver sounding comforting "Welcome back."

"Thanks,"

"We're going to start you off lightly today, simple cases." Kerry instructed, Lucy only nodded, taking the Lab coat that Kerry had for her, and heading off to personnel to get a new photo taken. Lucy looked like SHIT. She hadn't touched up her highlights in two months, she was pale and she looked exhausted. Lucy already had medium blond hair, in the summer, but the roots coming in were dark brown, she decided she wouldn't be touching them up, she had different plans.

Lucy went about her shift, listening to 1,000 "Welcome backs", it got tiring and odd, just like she'd expected. Lucy did her usual walk-arounds, treating patients when she realized that it was 4 am. It was 4 am and she saw someone she didn't recognize, someone new.

"Cute huh?" Chuny asked coming up behind her leaning on the counter

"Kind of." Lucy looked down at the chart

"That's Dr. Darenson, he's nice, quiet, kind of, he's opening up. He came in at a weird time you know, replacing someone who was killed. Someone everyone was close too. But he's cool, he completely understands the position that he's in. You gotta respect that. I'm happy that if someone had to take Carter's place it was Darenson."

"Cool Chuny, but I don't want to talk about Carter." Lucy hissed, Chuny stepped back

"That's fine Lucy, but it didn't just affect you, all of us lost someone. And we knew him a hell of a lot longer then you did." Chuny said, obviously hurt. Lucy exhaled, as usual; it seemed to be her only means of relaxation.

Erik bit the end of his pen, staring at the chart. It was 3:26 am and he'd been using the slow time to work on charts. It was pretty much him and Malucci, who was lying down beside from him, arms over his head. Exam room 4 was probably the best place for a good sleep session. Eric was sitting up in the bed a pillow on his lap propping up his chart, Malucci who was laying the bed next to him had been talking for a time, and Eric was listening, but as usual Malucci had faded out and into sleep. This was their usual 3 am routine. Since Eric had begun he'd kind of fallen in with Dave, they were friends but were getting so. Dave often spoke of his son Charlie and life with that, but people often spoke of Dave before the death of the doctor before him. Dave owned up to it, apparently he was kind of careless and pretentious, but upon a colleague die changed Dave, for the better he felt. Not like Eric could really judge, he hadn't known Dave until 2 months ago, but he really did like Dave, who was friendly and cool. Eric got along well with everyone in the ER now, but it wasn't always that. Eric had previously worked at Mercy, a private hospital full of bastards he didn't care for but no one was the wiser that Eric hated them all, so he left, claiming he needed a place closer to home. Eric had shown up for work about 2 days after Valentine's Day. They were short a med student and an ER physician, but they didn't tell him why, it was only after he'd signed the papers that he found out.

Eric thought that was awfully low but he had assumed something had happened to the doctors. County General had a horrible reputation of doctors dying terribly, whether they were at the hospital or not. Over the course of 100 years, County General's body count of staff was 73. 73 people who'd perished horrible on the premises. Some said it was a curse, so Eric and his friend had looked it up, and chills went down their spines. Eric's eye twitched, he noticed Dave was lightly singing, he was sleeping, and it was the theme to the second Care Bears movie…

"_And I'm proud to be…in that Care Bear family." _Dave quietly muffled out. Charlie had found a VHS copy in Dave's things and was now OBSSESSED with it. Realizing he was done with his charts Eric shut off the lights and headed to the admit desk.

"Good morning ladies." He said, a few of the nurses smiled at him

"So Dr. Darenson, what do you think about County being haunted, they say that there is a ghost on the 5th floor." It was now, 5 am and the entire shift was on, in the admit area, and they had 1 patient.

"I'd say curse." He smiled, a few giggles went out

"C'mon you don't believe that?" Malick rolled his eyes

"I don't know, however I am familiar with County's history. You see, in 1905 construction on County General began, they employed nearly 1000 workers to get her done as soon as possible, because Chicago was growing and so the were the cities needs for basic health. 2 square miles of this entire location was once a Native American Burial ground, and in 1903 they claimed to have moved the bodies to a different location, but in 1970 it was discovered that no such transfer took place and that County had simply been built on top of the existing location. When building County a few of the workers died, and since being built 73 staff members, nurses, med students and doctors have died in or around the actual hospital. The most notorious was in 1953 when a physician named Herbert Mover; 39 years of age threw himself out of the 5th story window. At the time the 5th floor was the surgery floor, he was a renowned surgeon but upon following the death of fellow colleague who happened to be his former student, he fell into a deep depression when he couldn't save his friend." Eric looked up and saw everyone staring blankly, a jaws open. Peter who had come in early to leave early felt his insides shake.

"So, the ghost on the 5th floor didn't die from a broken heart? From a woman?"

"No, his former student had been a man named Evan Jacobs. He was shot by a crazed patients family member while he slept in one of the resting rooms they used to have. He was 33 years old." That made Eric, terribly sad

"How do you know all of this? Herbert Mover? What a load of crap." Peter sighed

"He was my grandfather." Eric said walking away

Lucy was hidden in the crowd listen to Eric, she hadn't seen his face, she didn't need to, what had she been missing the last few weeks?

It was time for Eric to pack up and go home, his day was done, but he kept staring up at the cardboard box on top of his locker, the belongings of Dr. Carter, the infamous and tragic story of Dr. Carter who made County famous. Hell, Eric remembered waking up to the news that a millionaires son had been "slaughtered" was the word, it was actually very tragic, never did Eric have an idea what hospital it was or that he'd have his locker. One thing puzzled Eric though, what had he looked like? It bothered him so much. He felt haunted by this figure, this being whom wasn't alive anymore. Eric laughed at himself, grabbed his coat and felt a chill run down him, someone was behind him and someone was THERE. He took a step towards the door, and another, and another, Eric turned. There sure as hell was a man there, he was facing the wall, back to him. A blue shirt and suspenders, it wasn't a doctor he recognized, and dressed to well for a patient, Eric backed up opening the door and left quickly.

Chuny entered the lounge and stopped- how had it gotten so freezing suddenly?

Eric felt himself shake, and then he laughed at himself, loud as he got into the car and drove. He didn't believe in god so why would he start with haunted Indian burial grounds? He felt himself giggle once more looking in his rearview mirror, seeing a flash of brown eyes and a creepy ass smile on their face. Startled Eric drove faster and then when he got home he quickly ran up to his apartment. He closed his eyes and thought for a moment, and again laughed to himself.

"I need a hot shower." He said aloud

Turning on the water, Eric felt for the temperature and got it, he exhaled deeply and the scent of Patchouli and Lavender renew him- that stuff was really working magic. Erik yawned and stepped out of the shower. Drying his hair he walked naked back to his room when he was met with an intense chill.

"If..If…" he heard, a voice, a horrible voice said from the corner of the room, and to his own horror, there was the same name, back to him, blue shirt and brown suspenders

"What do you want?" Eric said firmly, Eric was also stark naked

"If you want to know what I look like then AAAAAAAASSSSSSSSKKKKKKKK!!" The man screamed turning around abruptly, Eric screamed loudly

"Dr. Darenson?" He heard, it was Haleh shaking him

"Are you alright?"

"What am I doing at the hospital still?" He asked, he on the couch in the lounge.

"You were on your way out and then you feel asleep."

"How long have I been out?"

"About and 3 hours…are you ok, you yelled." She told

"No, bad dream."

"Serves you right for tellin' us those scary ass stories." She teased walking out, Eric laughed a little and sank into the couch


	6. I come undone

Disclaimer: I do not own the Talking heads song used in the previous chapter and this chapter

I COME UNDONE

3:24 PM

Peter was going through some new charts feeling slightly energized. He was finally settling into his new exercise routine and it had been a very calming day. That sounded weird, no one had ever had a calming work experience day, but Peters was slow and tolerable. It was July, it was hot and people were staying inside or at the pool. Of course this time of year brought the usual drowning and near drowning. Kids whose parents weren't watching, interesting things like that. Peter felt astonished that John had been dead for 5 months. The idea that John Carter was lying dead somewhere brought a disillusioned feeling. He wasn't in the ground though, the Carter family had a family vault in a cemetery. Peter knew because he visited it. One month ago actually, he'd driven to the cemetery and found the Carter Family vault, upon entering Peter realized how big Carter's family was, because there was a whole wall of it. It was beautiful actually. At the end of the hallway inside were marble boxes about 14 inches long and 30 inches wide, one red John Truman Carter the 3rd and right next to it read Robert Truman Carter, and according to the dates on the marker, Bobby (as he had heard Carter refer to him) was almost 12 when he died. That was weird for Peter, here; behind some expensive marble was the 30 year old body of Jonathan Carter and his older brother who was eternally to physically be that of an 11 year old. Peter inhaled deeply, he hadn't been here since the funeral, well, physically he hadn't. Emotionally Carter taunted him every night with accusations and sad ramblings about how he had let John die. John was always angry and with each passing month John was becoming angrier with Peter, so furious at his young demise, all of the things that he had wanted, the family that was "denied" to him. In the most recent dream John went INSANE on Peter, ranting and raving and yelling and throwing a fit, stamping his feet and never taking his eyes off of Peter while showing him what his decayed body looked like, and the smell…

"DO YOU THINK I LIKE THIS PETER??" John roared, he wasn't wearing the clothes he'd been killed in like Peter thought, he was wearing a button down white shirt, khaki's, Italian shoes and custom made coat that was open, like usual. "Do you think this is pretty for me?" John continued with the accusations, he was so angry and violent with his motions and words- then the horror commenced. John looked intently and directly into Peter's eyes and his skin began to pale and blue around the lips- the process of decay- was taking place before Peter's eyes, John's shirt was gone and Peter could see the staining in the abdomen taking place, 2-3 days after death

3-4 days the staining was spreading over John's body as his veins were becoming discolored, John had a horrible grin on his face

5-6 days John's abdomen was swelling with gas and his skin was blistering

They were approaching 2 weeks as John's abdomen had become tight and swollen

3 weeks- John's tissues were visibly softening as his organs and cavities were bursting and he held up his hands as his finger nails fell off…the smell was horrible

4 weeks- The soft tissues were liquefying and John's face was becoming unrecognizable, the smell was atrocious and Peter felt his stomach turn as he exhaled.

Peter inhaled sharply, looking around and walking away, what was wrong with him?

"Well Peter," Cleo began sitting down next to him. "You know that is impossible…John is dead, dead people don't come back. Plus John was embalmed; he's never going to decompose like that." She reassured

"Cleo I need help." Peter told weary, rubbing his hands over his head

"It was only a dream."

"Yeah well Cleo they are persistent as hell. Every time I look at the bed I know that John is waiting for me!" Peter spat, but Cleo only looked at him

"How come the whole time he worked with you…he was Carter and now that he's dead he's John, why the sudden formality?"

"I don't know, it could be a distancing method. I don't know. I don't think that I once called him John during his waking life."

"It's weird thinking his name was actually Jonathan, he didn't look like a Jonathan." Cleo noted and Peter nodded

"He looked like, Carter." Peter said

That was this morning and since that talk Peter felt EXCELLENT. He made an appointment to see a therapist and although it wasn't his style, neither was being in a deep depression for 5 months.

Paint swatches

Lucy, with closed eyes showered and dressed. Lucy was wondered if she did everything with closed eyes these days. She hoped not. She looked into her closet and glanced at her new clothes. In 5 months Lucy had put on 63 pounds and it was there to stay, maybe she'd embrace it instead of constantly denying it, so last week she went out and bought some better fitting clothes, she even had to get a new lab top. According to Lucy's scale she topped off at 187 pounds, she was only 5'2. She laughed to herself, she wished that John could have seen it, he would probably be telling her that she needs to lose weight or what not, be healthier. All Lucy knew was that she had a 60 inch waist and felt good, of course she'd sought her refuge in food and that was bad, but she wasn't the only one coping. Apparently, Dr. Benton had begun seeing a therapist. That was the last thing Lucy ever imagined coming from Dr. Benton, him seeing a therapist. That was just unreal for her, but many things that Lucy imagined wouldn't happen did, after all here she stood in a completely different life then she had anticipated a few months before. A few months ago, Lucy honestly believed that she would be here at County, like she was now, working with Dr. Carter. A thought rang into Lucy's brain…did she love him? Dr. Carter? John? She sat with it for a moment and pushed it out of her brain and continued looking through her clothes. She wanted something pretty but that she could work in- she also wanted to be noticed. Dr. Darenson she found was quite the catch. Lucy and a few of the other girls mainly comprised of female doctors and nurses had crushes on him. He was just so handsome, not cute, not pretty, but _**handsome **_and had impeccable beside manner, the nurses did anything for Dr. Darenson, probably because he treated people like human beings.

Nurses were mostly treated like slaves but Dr. Darenson had a kind of respect for nurses that no one else did. Lucy did however hear a rumor that he and Chuny had something going on, and Lucy felt her confidence slip and she realized that Chuny was about 500 pounds thinner then her, and more attractive. Lucy sighed aloud, she'd always felt bad for those fat girls who couldn't get fucked and now here she was, pulling up her pants glancing down at her full thighs and thick waist. Some men like maybe, yeah creepy guys. Closing her eyes Lucy got dressed and did her hair and makeup- well covering up the scar on her neck kind if makeup. Was she always to do this? Hiding from her own body? Hiding her scars underneath some name brand foundation? Her thought went back to Eric Darenson as she sat down and ate; he was so nice and soft spoken. He did remind her of Carter actually, except more compassionate and less confrontation, though many people claim that before Lucy, Carter was once quite sweet and soft spoken, but after a few years in the ER and a broken heart by a female doctor who left with her boyfriend, Carter changed his attitude. Carter was still sweet, but not like he used to be. It was sad, Benton told a story once about how Carter sat for hours with a dying man, and was late on some of his charts, Lucy wished that she'd known _that_ John Carter, instead of a man that was becoming a shell and came to the conclusion that he could get what he wanted. But Carter wasn't all bad she thought, and with that thought, Lucy burst into tears. She felt a deep sadness emanating from her chest as tears rolled down her eyes, ruining her eyeliner and make up. The toast that she was eating was hanging from her lip and she could see in her mind's eye that she must have looked like a toddler. But the word yes kept flashes within her. Yes…_Yes_…**yes**.._**yes**_…Yes she had loved John Carter. Deeply, as a friend, as a co-worker and even as a lover, though they weren't quite that. About 5 minutes passed of Lucy sobbing uncontrollably when Melanie walked in.

"Are you alright, Lucy?" Mel asked from behind two brown grocery bags. Setting them down on the table Mel looked at Lucy, worried.

"He's dead." Lucy cried, Mel, knowing who she was talking about cried a bit too, for Lucy, for Dr. Carter, his family and all things she felt bad and angry about.

_Maybe this is forever  
Forever fades away  
Like a rocket ascending into space  
Could you not be sad  
Could you not break down  
After all I won't let go o_

Until you're safe and sound  
Until you're safe and sound

There's beauty in release  
There's no one left to please  
But you and me o I don't blame you for quitting  
I know you really try  
If only you could hang on through the night  
I don't want to be lonely  
I don't want to be scared  
All our friends are waiting there

DISCLAIMER: I do not own the song "Safe and Sound" Sheryl Crow does AND a special thanks to for the lyrics


	7. Out of Character

Disclaimer: I do not own the Talking heads song used in the previous chapter and this chapter

Disclaimer: I am trying to take this in a realistic direction, about what happens to us when people we care about leave this word abruptly and violently. How we cope, with others, ourselves and how people entering our lives deal with the losses of people they never knew but is affecting the people they know now.

Chuny felt like she was dancing on air. Eric had turned out to be interesting, fun and inviting. It was a long time since she had this kind of chemistry with anyone, let alone some doctor who actually treated people like they were human beings- for a change. I know, a doctor treating people like human beings- you'd think it would be a given, but it isn't. Doctors learn to detach themselves from their patients and in term usually do so with other human beings, or so Chuny had noticed. She and Eric had a lot in common; they both had gone through some rough patches in their early adulthood. Granted Eric was about 9 years younger then Chuny, but it didn't matter to her or him. She was a talker and Eric a listener, but when Eric did talk, it was about some pretty profound things, he never once complained about anything really, sure he'd mention that he was uncomfortable with certain subjects but he handled it SO WELL. Chuny supposed that what was so great and wonderful about Eric was that he was an actual adult. He didn't dick around with people, didn't act childish, was honest, forthright, and welcoming. Chuny wondered if she loved in or if this was some delusion of grandeur. Surely it had been years since she'd been this way, not since she was 18 had she been excited about someone. To Chuny's own surprise Eric and Dave had grown close and were for lack of a better word, best friends. They hung out a lot one night Eric had cooked dinner and Dave brought some food along and turned out to be an excellent cook, they both were. One of the cool things was that although physically affectionate, they'd never really had sex, which was understandable, Eric was tired a lot and they both worked long hours. But Erik was sweet and kind and loving. Chuny inhaled in a dreamy state. Eric was…perfect, of course not really but totally.

"He's not in for another hour." Lily teased walking up to Chuny

"I know." She smiled

"How's Mr. Dreamy?" Haleh asked

"Perfect." Chuny told

"I noticed that about our dear doctor. Too perfect perhaps, it's always those people who keep other people in their basements." Romano noted grabbing chart

"That's only on Saturday's Dr. Romano." Eric said standing at the front desk, they all turned

"I didn't realize you were standing there Eric," Romano said turning away

"Its' fine, it was meant to be funny, I take no offense." Eric smiled

"You aren't on for an hour." Chuny smiled

"Yeah, but you've been on for 13 so I brought you breakfast." Eric said holding up a bag, Chuny felt her inside shift happy

"Girl do not let this one go." Haleh smiled through her teeth walking passed

The science of you

Eric hadn't really thought about how he felt about Chuny, well realized it, until a week earlier. They'd been lightly dating for about 4 weeks and flirting for about 3. No fucking or screwing had commenced as Eric didn't really like the idea of becoming sexual with no real affection, in his entire life Eric had only been with 2 women and those relationships lasted for about 5 years each. The first relationship they'd waited some 4 years before having sex. Eric loved sex, and like any human got aroused, but it didn't control his life nor did it dictate his dating habits. He told Dave this who chuckled at first but accepted it, Eric did not judge him and Dave had no plans to do the same. Regarding Chuny Eric realized he really was in love with her. She was great and cool and respectful and they didn't play games

"I'll have to take a rain check for Friday, me and the girls are going out." She told eating a strawberry looking at him

"That's fine, you can do whatever you want. Ever notice how some couples think that they have to know where the other during every second of every day?"

Chuny nodded "I was in one of those relationships once, it drove me insane."

"I actually had a buddy once, where at the time, my then girlfriend looked at me and said 'I'm going out for the evening' and he said 'You just let her do that?' and I only thought and then said 'She's an adult, I don't let her do anything, she's a woman."

"I know, it's crazy the mother/father mentality some people take on relationships." This was the best part of their relationship- the communication. It was excellent, they could both talk about past relationships and it wasn't weird or annoying, they just went about it as if it was old term paper notes- very matter-of-factly.

"Chuny your shift is over," Eric noticed glancing at the clock

"Oh really, well, I can stay a few more minutes." She said happily to spend a long while with Eric, she smiled and nodded

"I can't let you do that, I would want to, I'll clean up, I'm on in 5." He said getting up placing his hand on the back of Chuny's head and kissing her. Long, tender and intense were the three words that best articulate that kiss. Of course they didn't know that the door to the lounge was open and just about everyone at the admit desk was watching with their mouths open- including Lucy Knight.

"That kiss…looks amazing." Yosh said

"Damn that kiss about took my breath away." Haleh said and they all laughed. Lucy didn't though, she felt a bit depressed. Had everything she previously thought been true about her weight gain? Were big girls THAT undesirable?

"Looks like things are heating up between them." Lucy said putting a chart away

"Hmm mmm." They all replied

"I always thought that Dr. Darenson was cool, not suave, I guess he's both." Jerry sighed

"What's wrong Jerry, jealous?" Yosh teased

"No. It's just that guys like me have to reply on their cool and when guys like Eric come along that got it all, guys like me get left behind." He explained walking away

Lucy nodded to herself, girls like her gain weight and they aren't fuckable anymore, though whether or not Eric had found her attractive or not to begin with was anyone's guess. On the upper hand, Lucy's breasts were…enormous. Even at 126 her breasts had been a delicious 40DD and with the 900 pounds she'd piled on they rest at a plump 48E. SERIOUSLY, they were great. Well, perfect really, they weren't those huge breasts that you could see coming from a mile away but just round and yummy; Chuny didn't even wear a size A bra. But the remembrance that Lucy had to order a bigger lab coat again- made her think of the only four letter word she could right now "SHIT".

What was Lucy in 8th grade? Demeaning another person's body because she felt shitty about her own- what was life coming to? She walked off to chairs looking for her patient.

By now Eric felt tired, that happened though. Only 30 minutes into his shift at times and he was already exhausted. He'd made close friends with Dave and Malick and they all work harmoniously. Eric wasn't the confrontational type usually but Malick and Dave were so at times Eric was the negotiator, a role he was used to. Eric actually got along with most of the people, except Abby. He saw her as a sort of troublemaker, well, in his eyes. She brought a lot of her drama to work, well Abby like to give the illusion that it followed her to work, it was out of her control, it always was. These feelings surprised him because Eric had always been the compassionate type and toward Abby he was very judgmental. He didn't like her and he made no bones about it to Dave and Chuny, but only because they'd asked and it was never spoken of at work, only outside of work. Eric emotionally kept to himself and stayed professional with Abby. Not asking her what was wrong all of the time, like most people. Eric, could relate to Abby, truly he could, he'd had a horrific childhood and his mother was inhumane at the least- but he didn't bring it to work. There must be a point when you look in the mirror, see an adult and say I'll deal this, I admit this problem is there, but I refuse to handle it at work and will do so it in it's appropriate place. Kind of, most people don't like that method but it worked for Eric. At nearly 32, Eric felt like he was more mature then nearly everyone his age that he knew.

Like New

Lucy heard the yelling from around the corner. Emerging was Jing-Mei and Dave bickering back and forth. It was 12 in the afternoon and they were going at it. Lucy knew immediately that Jing-Mei had started this argument; she'd been purposely pushing Dave's buttons for months. Picking fights, you name it. And of course Dave got yelled from Weaver, Lucy heard Jing-Mei throw another insult and Dave was about to retort when Lucy felt her lungs open

"JING-MEI COOL OUT!" Lucy yelled "What is the matter with you?" She continued

Jing-Mei stood stunned

"We all know he hasn't changed! Ever since February he's been acting serious and low key like he's changed. I'm just trying to prove that he's the same incompetent, immature Malucci!" Jing-Mei pointed

"You know what Jing-Mei, Dave has changed, but it's been 6 months, that's a pretty long time be in character- especially for Malucci as for you, I'm not if you've changed or showing who you really are." Lucy fumed, but she didn't yell, she didn't need to.

"Oh whatever QUEEN BLIMP! KEEPER OF THE FAT ASS!" Jung-Mei screamed "In the past 6 months you've developed your own gravitational pull!" A few laughs got out with that one but Lucy nearly cocked her head and glared

"I have half a mind to smack the shit out of you BITCH!" Lucy came back with

"KICK HER ASS!" A patient yelled

"Yeah don't that stupid Jap talk to you like that!" Another yelled. Lucy and Jing-Mei began approaching one another when they heard Kerry Weaver yelling. Lucy stopped and turned to Kerry

"What is the matter with you two?" Kerry yelled, Lucy inhaled and was about to explain when Kerry's eyes grew wide "Lucy watch out-" but Jing-Mei had brought a bedpan down right downside Lucy's head, and Lucy met the floor

Dave went to restrain Jing-Mei as she yelled "Don't worry about her she's fine, 700 and 18 pounds broke her fall!"

Abby, Luka, Haleh and Yosh all stood there trying to digest what they'd just witnessed.

"That was very out of character for Jing-Mei." Yosh said

"It's been a stressful time for us all." Luka reassured

"Umm….speak for yourself." Abby whispered to herself

"Jing-Mei what has gotten into you?" Kerry yelled throwing her cane in the corner placing her hands on her head. She didn't tell Mark because he had the day off and he didn't need this.

"I don't know. I just, I just. I don't know. I think Dave isn't for real." She told looking down

"Well Jing-Mei, he is! Lucy was right; this would be a long time for even Dave to pull off being in character. He would have cracked hours into it."

"You think?"

"YES I THINK!" Kerry exploded

"I'm sorry," Jing-Mei sobbed "How…How is Lucy?"

"In Exam 3 getting a head suture." Kerry began "You're suspended until further notice. In that time I want you to seek counseling with a full Psych evaluation and I want proof of both." Kerry ordered and left before Jing-Mei could contest

Eric walked into the ER and Chuny immediately threw her arms around him

"HEY baby!" She kissed, Eric was about 14 inches taller then her

"Hey." He smiled wrapping his arms around her as they walked back in forth

"What's going on with Lucy?" He asked watching Lucy holding the back of her head as Abby walked her to the exam room

"Oh! You'll never believe it!" Chuny set in motion "Jing-Mei attacked Lucy, it was scary. First she was yelling at Dave and Lucy got into it and then just as Weaver came in she hit Lucy with a bed pan!" Chuny told, Eric stood with his jaw open in, shock

"WHAT? This is an ER! These people all high education degrees! I hope Weaver took care of it!" He stamped

"Knowing Weaver probably." Chuny explained not realizing how angry Eric was

"My god." He whispered disgusted

"Don't worry its ok. Calm down." Chuny spoke

"You're right." Eric told exhaling deeply

"Breathe in through your nose deeply." Chuny instructed "And out through your mouth." Eric did so

"I feel better, you're right." He told, eyes still closed

"What time are you off?" She smiled pulling on his tie

"Actually I'm not on at all, I came here to get you." He smiled kissing Chuny

"Want to go back to my place?" She was excited now; Eric smiled a closed mouth smile and raised his eyebrows

"Oh but my house is so much closer and convenient." He explained quietly looking right into those eyes, those gorgeous brown eyes


	8. An odd Happiness

Disclaimer: I do not own the Talking heads song used in the previous chapter and this chapter

**An odd Happiness**

_Disclaimer: I do not own the song "Easy tonight by 5 for fighting"_

_Also I want to comment on the changes Lucy went through. The weight gain is very accurate and personal to me. A few years ago, two girlfriends of mine were victims of a deadly situation and unfortunately one of them did die. My other friend however did turn to food and over eating and way and resource to cope, and gained 187 in the course of 20 months. People really truly do suffer from this, so from the people who have been telling "that isn't possible", yes it is._

**An odd Happiness**

Peter stood in the doorway and looked at the couch. He didn't know if he wanted to sit, stand or runaway.

"Peter are you alright?" Dr. Hunsaker asked in her chair

"Yeah, fine." Peter said closing the door and walking over the loveseat across from Dr. Hunsaker. He slowly lowered into the chair and looked away from her

"So Peter, what's going on?" She said casually

He was silent and then "I assume all introductions are this way?" He said, she smiled

"Sometimes," She nodded "Some people take a while settling in, others open up to get it out of the way." She winked

"Yeah," he said uncomfortably rubbing his knees "I was never really in the position of opening up, never really got the chance. I had to be strong for my family."

"What do you mean?" She asked leaning forward

"I, uh." He thought "I started working when I was 14 to help out the family, my parents both worked but it wasn't enough, and I've been working ever since."

"How old are you Peter?"

"37."

She nodded "That's 23 years of busting your ass." She commented, Peter laughed, this may not be as bad as he'd hoped

_**It is you**_

**February 1, 2001**

Lucy looked at the calendar, and back down at her chest, covered by clothes. Could a year truly have past? Was John gone this long? Had been watching Eric Darenson go about his way around the ER casually not realizing how desperately she wanted him? Eric was so sweet, and mild and mature- he really truly was what she wanted. Lucy had also entertained the idea that the only reason she was interested in Eric was due to the fact that he was clearly taken and that way she had no chance of getting hurt. Her confidence had fallen as her pant size exploded. Although her weight was stable now, Lucy was a startling 100 pounds heavier then she'd been a year before. Of course it was due mostly to psychological problems. In the recovery period, Lucy had turned to food for comfort and oh, how she had sought and found solace in it. Food didn't judge her, food didn't remind her of her inadequacies or that John was dead. John, a man who was known for being sweet and yet temperamental, John, a man who got what he wanted from Lucy and in her own disillusion she believed that she was playing him right back, only to have realized differently. She pulled on the collar of her lab coat and walked out of the doctors' lounge. Things were going to be different; she was going to do things differently, no more late night binging or consuming mass amounts of candies from the vending machines only to cry when she got home. Lucy was surprised how no one had said anything, had voiced any concern. As Lucy left the lounge she felt her thighs rubbing together and she rolled her eyes. Did it ever end?

"How long you got left on your shift?" Chuny asked casually

"20 minutes ago." Lucy sighed

"Then go home girl." Chuny urged

"To what?" Lucy turned to her

"Oh…I see." Chuny responded and kept her eyes on the charts

"How are you and Eric?" She asked

"Great." She smiled happily

"You aren't getting the 1 year boredom bells?" Lucy asked

"No actually, and I was thinking about that. It's never lasted this long about me wanting to break it off."

"Good for you." Malick smiled walking by

"I'm looking for Dr. Lucy Knight." A voice said, Lucy turned to see a handsome man, standing 6'3, black hair and piercing black eyes, Lucy stood motionless

"That's her!" Malick yelled pointing to Lucy

"Uh, yeah." Lucy said startled

"I'm here for our date." He smiled

"Date?" Lucy felt all the color leave her face, this was so amusing for everyone

"Yeah, 7:30, you weren't across the street, I figured you were here." He flashed that smile again

"She was just leaving." Chuny smiled

"Um…yeah." Lucy replied again, horrified, walking into the lounge getting her coat, only to exit and to her amazement he was still standing there.

_**Lo and Behold**_

"Dave you'll never believe it!" Chuny started

"This tall handsome guy came in taking out Lucy, right?" Dave said putting a chart away

"You didn't!!" She exclaimed excited

"I did. He's a buddy of mine."

"How?"

"Yeah Chuny because that's not a rude thing to say." Dave scoffed and Chuny apologized

"Anyway, his name is Andre'Junior Holden Daly. He's a Lawyer, he's cool, and they'd be perfect. And yes, he knows what Lucy looks like. He's got a thing for big women. Can't get enough of 'em. I don't think he's dated anything below a size 22."

"Really. I thought men like him were just a myth." Haleh told

"Believe it sister. Where there are men who wants to see ribs sticking out there are men who want a big woman."

_**Myself, my soul, my self-esteem**_

"Is it cool if we take my car?" Andre' asked getting his keys out

"Sure. So where are we going?"

"I thought you knew." He smiled

"I don't know of any good places."

"Understandable. There are so many places tat advertise, I really enjoy Greek food, you like Greek?" He asked, Lucy shrugged

"Never had it."

"Really, do you like garlic?"

"Oh I love garlic!" Lucy jumped and then tried to control herself

"Me too! Everyone I know hates garlic. Pity, it's great for the heart you know."

"I am a doctor." Lucy told and he nodded as they got into his car

Lucy settled into their booth and removed her jacket.

"So you're a lawyer. What kind?" She asked innocently

"Criminal Law." He answered casually- Andre' eyes poured over her body, she was amazing, a real woman sitting across from him, filled out and truly gorgeous "What kind of physician are you?"

"Currently, I am working in Emergency Medicine, but I don't know." She told looking away

"Don't know?" His brows raised- now interested

"Yeah well, Emergency Medicine is great and I and I'm really good at it. But I suppose I seek something a little more slowly paced. Something that doesn't require 23 hour shifts and getting called in when it's my only day off in 3 weeks."

"I see, you intend on seeking something along the lines of General Practitioner?" He smiled and Lucy had to laugh

"Actually yeah, someday."

"But not today,"

"And most certainly not tomorrow." She added

February 14th, 2:24 AM

(Easy tonight by 5 for fighting begins to play)

Peter was hunched over the toilet; he'd woken up 30 minutes ago and had been vomiting ever since.

"Peter, are you alright?" Cleo asked appearing in the doorway pulling her silk purple robe around her

"Are you sick?" She asked frantically

"In 7 minu-" Peter tried

"What?" Cleo was getting worried

"In 7 minutes, Anspaugh pronounced Carter a year ago." Peter forced as he vomited immensely, so much so that he had to catch his breath afterwards. Cleo covered her mouth and felt her stomach tighten as well, Peter collapsed onto the toilet sobbing and wiping his mouth, and Cleo knelt down beside him and gathered him up in her arms

"Carter," he sobbed aloud "Carter," he repeated, he and Cleo repeated Carters' name and moaned their tears of agony. Benton for the friend he loved and lost and Cleo, more so for the man she loved in her arms breaking down

**2:30**

Mark and Elizabeth both lay awake in bed holding each other, thinking about Carter throughout the years.

**2:31**

John and Eleanor were lying on John's bed, holding each others hands as they wept.

**2:32**

Lucy and Dave stood outside of County's entrance as he handed her a stick and lit it. The sparkler ignited sending out bursts of color into the darkness, Dave lit his and suddenly there were two beacons as Dave and Lucy began to spin, twirl and twist.

"Goodbye Dr. Carter." Dave said, "J-O-H-N T-R-U-M-A-N C-A-R-T-E-R." He and Lucy spelt out with their sparklers

"We miss you John!" Lucy yelled into the sky

"More then you'll ever know Carter!" Dave followed looking up as they both spun

"I love you John! I hope you're ok!" Lucy smiled her eyes one with the stars

"I love you too man! I hope you're happy wherever you are and have found something worth keeping." Dave yelled as he and Lucy began dancing around in circles in honor of their friend.


	9. The place where I exist

Disclaimer: I do not own the Talking heads song used in the previous chapter and this chapter

CHAPTER 9

NOTE: This chapter is heavy on sexuality and gore

SEPTIEMBRE

Eric looked at himself in the mirror and tilted his head. He wasn't seeing the results he wanted; he'd bought one of those renowned exercise machines you see on infomercials you see at 3 AM that celebrities swear by. Well, he was kind of seeing results, but not as quick as wanted though. He used to run but since getting mugged a few weeks ago he wasn't taking any chances, the only time he had to work out was around 3 in the morning anyway. Normally he'd been in such good shape but his irregular work hours and such he'd been eating crap and exercising less. He and Chuny had found an apartment, a nice one and were getting by splendidly. Her family was a bit overbearingly catholic, but Eric put a firm down and they realized quickly that they could not take advantage of him or his money.

"You look great." Chuny said from the bed putting her magazine aside

"Thank you," Eric smiled going over to the closet grabbing his night shirt

"You want a foot rub?" He offered, any chance to touch Chuny was welcome

"Nope, but I would like you in my arms." She smiled; Eric dropped the shirt knowing it would be on the floor anyway and crawled into Chuny's arms kissing her. He moaned passionately, Chuny removed her shirt revealing her bare breasts and Eric gently nibbled on her areola, just the way she liked, kissing her mouth again Eric's face disappeared between her legs. He loved giving oral, it was the best. Ironically he wasn't keen of receiving, but giving was different. Chuny moaned again and felt her body shake,

"ERIC, I want you in me," She ordered his eyes shut, wiping his mouth he removed his boxers and holding Chuny, entered her. She came almost immediately but instructed Eric to continue, amidst his rapid thrusting, just the way she liked, she came once more, and during her orgasm as her vaginal walls and opening contracted in ecstasy, Eric came as well and as he did, felt himself thrust deeper into and let out a yell.

Afterwards Eric lay down, his head on her chest as they slept, holding one another, they both knew that this was for real.

_**Lucy Time**_

September 6, 2001

7 months. Lucy thought out loud, her and Andre' had been dating. Everything was going great- really it was, he was sweet and understand, they were physically and mentally compatible and they had sex for the first time last night at her apartment. Mel had taken a note and left and Lucy admitted to herself that it was good- very good. But it had its drawbacks, Lucy told Andre' that she would only screw him in the dark, and he obliged. But he had an objection, don't call it "screwing" or "FUCKING". Apparently he felt like it was way beyond that, and Lucy agreed but didn't want to. The sex was great, Andre' was muscular, but not crazy muscular and she was exactly how he liked her. In the 7 months Lucy had managed to lose 7 pounds, at the advice of her own physician and Andre' was happy to work out with her. Here she stood like so many times before in front of the mirror in a robe, panicking. She heard the door open and Mel's voice became apparent

"Lucy, I'm home and I got movies with sexy men!" Mel sang, but heard no response "Lucy?" again, silence

"Mel…could you come in here?" She heard

"Ok, cool." Mel responded only to see Lucy standing in a pink robe looking horrified

"Are you ok?" She asked

"Mel, I need you to do something." Lucy told

"Like what?" Mel asked suspiciously

"You can say no. But I need you to,"

"Do what?"

"I need you to yank off my robe and see me. My body, my scars…it's almost been 2 years since I've seen myself naked." Lucy told and Mel stood amazed

"WOW."

"Mel, I really need this." Lucy told, not crying, but stable, Mel thought

"Alright." She nodded "I'll do it." She spoke and Lucy nodded "You want me to count to 3?"

"No, just do it." Lucy told putting her arms backwards so the robe would come off nicely

"Here goes," Mel said sliding the robe off softly

Lucy inhaled sharply as the robe slid off and she stood completely naked before Mel. Mel noted that Lucy's eyes were pinched shut and her arms held out. Lucy was very overweight, and she had a long pink scar running down the length of her chest almost to her navel. Her right breast had been stabbed twice, her neck had scars too. A few long marks on Lucy's abdomen indicated healed stab wounds, but were also accompanied by many stretch marks that riddled Lucy's stomach, thighs, butt, arms, breasts and back. Over all though, Lucy's body was quite beautiful.

"You can open your eyes now." Mel said quickly. Fighting the want to keep them closed, Lucy forced her right and then left eye open and turned looking into the mirror. She was quiet and then softly cried; wiping her tears Lucy looked into the mirror again and said

"This is what I have been running from?" and for the first time in nearly 2 years, liked what she saw.

**Peter, Peter, pumpkin eater**

Peter was in that strange place again. Sometimes the scenery changed and sometimes not, but always he was trying to save Carter. Usually it was in County General, which always dark except for a few lights. Sometimes Peter would see Carter being attacked and dying and couldn't help, because he was voiceless and people couldn't see him. Or he could see Carter clearly in the surgery room, through the doors, which was locked and he couldn't get it. He'd see Carter there, sometimes with his abdomen open and sometimes not, lying there, as his vitals went into V-Fib, while Peter was locked out, panicking as Carter was alone, dying. In his dream Peter tried everything to break the fucking glass of those doors, but nothing worked, and he'd watch in horror as Carter would flat line. Peter would fall to the floor crying, and the hear that horrible voice, that voice which was not at all Carter's but always spoke to him in. Carter would have a horrible smile on his face and move in peculiar forced ways, like some terrible stop motion figure and whisper horrible things to Peter, and force Peter to feel horrible things as well. In one particular dream Carter's eyes were completely white except for a small black pupil in the center, HOW HORRIYFING IT LOOKED. But that smile, that crazy smile that danced on Carter's face shook Peter to the bone.

Peter would often find himself tied to an operating table, his heart beat steady on a monitor as Carter stood looking down at him.

"Ladies and Gentlemen, here we have a male patient who is ill," Carter said his smile fading and his eyes growing wide "Who must be cured." Carter forced. Carter had already cut off Peter's shirt and looking at an instrument tray, let his hand circle above it while he chose. Picking out a scalpel and spreader, Carter placed their ends next to Peter's naval and danced them

"Doo da doo, doo da doo da doo." Carter sang making them dance up Peter's chest together and then even made them kiss and he provided the noise

"Carter, whatever you're gonna do man," Peter began to plead, but with that Carter's eyebrows furrowed angrily and his mouth twisted downward as his head lowered. Carter threw the spreader and raising the scalpel bringing it down making a slit across Benton's cheek and began cutting into Peter's abdomen, Peter's screams filled the air as he violently shook his head back and forth and tried to free himself from the restraints, Carter merely danced to the screams slightly, even raising his bloody hands still holding the scalpel as they went back and forth, dancing away

"I always have the most fun with you Peter." Carter told smiling, those white eyes with the back pupils

"NOOO!! AAHHHH!" Peter screamed looking down at his mangled abdomen; blood and intestines about, Carter looked again toward the instrument tray, down at the mess on Peter and then back the scalpel in his hand and was silent

"No." He thought out loud "We'll need something far more efficient." He realized staring into space dropping the scalpel on Peter cutting him. Carter walked off into a corner Peter heard the doors open, Carter was gone, and Peter didn't know how long, because he'd felt so woozy- a slap on his face, it was Carter and someone else.

"Hope you don't mind, I got one of my friends," Carter smiled, and Peter realized who it was- Dr. Gant, but he wasn't scary looking, his eyes were normal and not devilish as Carter's were, he looked normal. Peter's eyes then fixed on the shiny object in his hands; he couldn't see what it was

"HOPE YOU DON'T MIND DOCTOR!" Gant said pulling out Peter's intestines, and Peter couldn't scream because the pain was too great. Tying one end to Peter's hand, Gant stood about 5 feet away as Carter stood in between them and they commenced in a game of- Jump rope. They even sang and they both were enjoyed it, Carter had some twisted grin on his face

"OK! My turn MY TURN!" Gant said handing the jump rope to Carter, they played for a while more and then stopped

"AWWW Peter! Are we leaving you out?" Carter said bending slightly, resting his hands on his knees

"We'll have to make room for you too! Sorry about that!" Gant giggled

"Well, here's a game that Peter will definitely enjoy!" Carter exclaimed and grabbed the shiny object turning it on. Peter knew that noise, and to his own horror witness the bone saw slicing through his flesh, he screamed, well tried, again, too much pain

"I WANT A TURN!" Gant yelled, Carter didn't respond, and Gant was using the intestine to swing around his head and hit things with

"We're gonna make you PRETTY!!" Carter exclaimed with a wide insane smile as he moved in toward Peters' face removing part of the eye socket and then moving toward his neck pushing the rotating blade in and opening Peter's chest cavity. Peter, in agony, felt himself shake violently, and then die. His one eye still open he felt himself sinking away, but he could still see Carter and Gant peering over his shoulder.

"Awww." Carter stomped making fists "My fun is gone." Peter heard echo as Carter, who was still looking down intently at Peter became a smaller and smaller as Peter sank deeper and deeper.

Dr. Hunsaker sat and listened "Peter…that was one of the most violent things I have **ever** heard."

"I know, and I have these dreams, and I feel this happening to me, it's horrifying." Peter assured

"After all of these months Peter, I've listened to these dreams. These HORRIBLE dreams you've been having for nearly 2 years now, you want to know what I think?" Hunsaker asked, Peter nodded rubbing his hands together looking down

"Everyone in our dreams are aspects of ourselves. Monsters are horrifying aspects, death people are usually things we want dead or we feel are dead. Anyway, Carter is your brains form of guilt. You feel tremendous guilt because you feel like you let him die, and you also feel responsible for Gant's death as well, that is why you sometimes see Gant as well. You have two heavy loads on your conscious. You see, Carter dying was not your fault, he was attacked by a mad man and died tragically, it wasn't anything you did or didn't do Peter, but you feel guilty. I think that also, Carter was much closer then you like to admit, is it possible that you cared for him?"

"I," Peter choked "I loved him, he was such a good friend."

"And you never told him, did you?" Hunsaker asked, and Peter shook his head,

Hunsaker glanced at the clock "Our session is over, but we'll pick up here next week."

Peter nodded and gladly left.

(Later on)

The day and had been hard, 8 patients and all of their troubles. As Dr. Hunsaker was closing her office she noticed something- someone in the corner.

"Excuse me…sir?" She asked opening the door again, she was completely oblivious to his presence before- how did he get in?, The man said nothing and she thought he didn't hear her, but he was looking…directly at her "How, how did you get in here?" She asked approaching him

"YOU MOCK THE PLACE WHERE I EXIST?!" He accused in a horrible terrifying voice

Sarah Hunsaker felt her skin go cold and horror sweep through her as the man approached her


End file.
